There’s a myth in the autism community, our kiddos aren’t social. That’s not true. What’s true is that they have a harder time finding friends and maintaining that relationship due to their challenges with their social and communication skills. Teo is very social, he wants to play, he wants to be around people (for spurts at a time), and he wants to be connected. He shows us by pushing us, grabbing, extending a hand, smiling, laughing, and every once in awhile he will say something like “chase me”. That’s how we know he enjoys the company of other people. He’s fun, he’s playful, and he’s super goofy. Who wouldn’t want him as a friend? As I’m preparing for Teo’s birthday party at the lake, I’m sad that he may not have any friends there. I am sad for him.
He has one good friend in his class, one that he naturally gravitates towards, daily. They don’t speak to each other, they sort of bump into each other when they want to play. Chase each other. They might even fight like siblings when they need their space. They smile, laugh, push, and then run. That’s their signal. It’s adorable really. Unspoken communication is still communication and with the right connection, words aren’t necessary. I was hoping that he would come to Teo’s birthday party, but most likely, he is not coming. As I listen to his mom explain all the reasons why they might not make it, my heart sinks into my stomach, and I stop listening. I stare at her and nod my head as if I understand. But I don’t understand. I don’t understand why she doesn’t see what I see and want to make every effort to connect these two boys outside of the classroom. Maybe he doesn’t need a friend like Teo needs a friend, and that sends me into an abyss of sorrow. I walk to my car and cry. I cry for my eight year old son that tries so hard to connect. I cry for all the missed opportunities. I cry so hard I can’t drive for a few minutes.
Why is it so hard to find a friend for him? Is it me? Because he’s awesome!
His last bestie moved away. They had been friends since pre-school and then one day he was gone. I didn’t know how to explain that to Teo. When he finds videos or pictures of him on my phone he’ll play it over and over again reliving the memories. Then he will look at me as if to ask me “where’d he go?”. All I can say is that they moved to another place and that hopefully one day they will play together again. I’m not clear what he understands in terms of loss - when people just disappear from his life. He has lost his bestie, his great grandmother, and many therapists who we call “friends”. He has had many therapists come in and out of his life, once they are done, they are gone. The only “friends” he knows that consistently come to our house to play with him - gone. What is going to happen to his self esteem if we can’t properly explain the loss of a “friend” or a family member that he is “close” to?
Yes, it’s true, he doesn’t say things like: “hi friend, play with me”. , “I like you”, “I love you”, you know, the things you might hear from a friend. He has a tough time sharing, waiting, and playing cooperatively. He doesn’t know many social games like tag or hide and seek. He does like to lead the game and then when he is done, he just walks away without warning. But his smile, his joy, his laugh, and his love is contagious! Hi behavior therapist is always mentioning how we should create sessions where he can learn how to share and take turns with his little brother. In theory, this is a great idea. In practice, well, Malc has autism too. Even though Malc is more expressive verbally, he is less social. He’d prefer to draw in a corner by himself and will let you know when he’s ready for human contact. It’s not a natural scenario. I know that it will take time and patience, but he’s nine, and he still does not have one friend that is consistent in his life. He has us, his parents, he has grandma, and he has brother - but he needs a friend. He needs someone to wrestle with, to play chase, to laugh with him, to be silly with, to have inside jokes with.
Maybe it is me. Finding mom friends to plan play dates with has also been hard. In seven years I have yet to find parents to put in the work required to get our kids together. Because that’s what it will take; some focus, dedication, and time. Raising two autistic boys, my schedule can be very busy, but I will always make time for their fun. The boys have had a few play dates, some good, some not so good. The best ones happened naturally. But it was going to take much more work to maintain those relationships than either families had time for, I guess. Sometimes our schedules don’t align, sometimes our beliefs don’t align, sometimes the kids don’t connect, and sometimes the parents don’t connect. Also, Teo is very big for his age but still has the play skills of a toddler, so there’s that. Finding the perfect play mate is never perfect. There are so many variables that it can be exhausting to manage it all, then having to explain to the boys why so and so didn’t come back. When a friendship happens naturally it just flows, everything just flows. I’m waiting for that ease.
When I was around his age I would play with the neighborhood kids, we’d ride bikes, play at their houses, play at the park, go to birthday parties. I also grew up with lots of cousins of all ages. We didn’t see each other often but when we did it was absolute mayhem, in the best possible way. We looked forward to seeing each other again. I wish that for my boys. I wish the neighborhood kids would ask them to play even though they might say no. I wish our cousins would come over to play with them even though they will have many questions about my boy’s behavior and their inability to answer questions. I just wish there were more kids around them so they can decide for themselves if they have a connection with just one or two of them. That’s all it takes, one strong connection with another human to feel good. Maybe one common interest to spark a lifelong friendship.
Am I asking too much? I feel like I am. I feel like it’s too much, right now anyways. It just might be too much. So today, I am sad for my son. He is oblivious, I am not. Or maybe he is not oblivious and understands the dynamics of what is happening. I will continue to create the opportunities to make friends, for both the both of us. I will continue to figure out how to explain to him about relationships and how they come and go our entire lives. I will plan this party at the lake knowing that his family that will be there love him so very much. I will let go of the expectations of what I thought this day would be and let it be what it will be, because it will be beautiful. This day will be about him, whatever he wants to do, whatever he wants to eat. I will still be thinking about what if his friend was here, but I won’t let that get in the way of his fun day.
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